Hockey Hot Sauce Drafts

L&F Starting Line Up – South Park Edition

Welcome back to this week’s edition of The L&F Starting Line Up series! Every week the co-hosts of the Life & Fantasy Podcast, Spence Plamondon and Kaveh Ghidy will face off against Hot Sauce Blogger Jon Eamon in a battle for your votes and affection! We will be drafting weekly line ups based on a specific criteria that pulls inspiration from sports, pop culture and life in general!

For this week’s draft we have decided to venture back into the pop culture world, and after some back and fourth we landed on the mighty fine town of South Park. We figured that this would be a great way to have some fun with this one after a few weeks of some competitive drafts alone which includes an on-going Hot Sauce bet (thank you Carey!). Speaking of the Hot Sauce bet, the infamous Terry Tam enjoyed last week’s draft so we asked if he could come back on this week. It’s always fun to take down your boss ;).

CRITERIA

  1. You do not talk about Fight Club
  2. Only characters from South Park
  3. Must fill out a standard NHL line up

Simple right?! Without further ado here is the resulting draft board.

PICK 1 – TEAM SPENCE
LW – Stan
C – Kenny McCormick/Mysterion
RW – Kyle
LD – Christophe (The Mole)
RD – Jesus
G – Satan

With the first pick in the draft, I had to go Kenny/Mysterion as my centre. When he’s not out of the lineup due to death-related illnesses, this is a guy who’s gonna leave it all out there. A fierce competitor with a heart of gold, a protective streak, and an addiction to cat piss? Sign me up. Sounds like another Sidney Crosby, if you ask me.

Terry going Randy Marsh 2nd overall was tough to see, but also expected. What a talent in net. It’s funny, Kaveh and I were talking about a few different guys as potential goalie candidates, and we kept coming back to Randy. When he finds a new passion, he’s so f*cking all-in, it’s amazing. He’d be a stud in nets. Seeing Kaveh take Reality off the board with his first pick was tough, too.

The second round saw only one of my targets come off the board (Token), so I felt pretty good about it going in. Thankfully, I started thinking about the South Park movie, which made my next two picks obvious: Christophe “The Mole” at LD, and Satan in nets. Good luck getting anything past Satan, unless you’re Saddam Hussein. But nobody is gonna pick Saddam, right?

Fast forward to the end of the round, where Kaveh took him as his #1C after deciding on building an “evil” roster. Ouch. Satan’s kryptonite.

Jon then snagged Chef (what a steal!) and Terry got PC Principal, who wasn’t exactly someone I wanted as much as he was clearly a good pick to make in a hockey draft. What a beast. Thomas Turner was another great pick like this for Terry in the next round.

That brought me to picking Stan and Kyle. I was surprised the rest of the boys were still on the board, and I love the idea of having a forward line of Stan-Kenny-Kyle. Built in chemistry, and when they’re working together they’ve pulled off some crazy stuff. I do worry about them getting bored and bailing, but that’s what you get for investing so heavily in 10 year olds. I’ll let Santa (Owner/Coach) worry about keeping them in line.

With my last pick, I decided I would balance out the evil of Satan with Jesus himself. Ah, who am I kidding? Satan has a heart of gold. I do love the idea of having Jesus as my captain with Satan and Kenny as his assistants, though. And with Santa as the coach? Man, who’s gonna stop this team? You know at the very least, Jesus, Santa and Satan are gonna be hopped up on that mighty pure Tegridy Cocaine. Santa likey.

PICK 2 – TEAM TERRY
LW – Towelie
C – Token
RW – Kanye West Fish Sticks
LD – Thomas Turner
RD – PC Principal
G – Randy Marsh as Lorde

When Jon and Spence asked me to take part in this draft, I was excited. I was excited because I love South Park and my buddies & I have way too many jokes that are still in the rotation from the early seasons. Drafting a hockey team based on South Park characters presents certain challenges, one of which is that there are way too many characters.

With the 2nd overall pick, Tegridy Farms Owner Dan Snyder (of the Washington Redskins Go Fund Yourself) selects Randy Marsh as Lorde to be their star goalie. Randy Marsh as Lorde is a pivotal character that shocked the world when the episode was released. Spence taking Kenny #1 wasn’t a surprise. Who doesn’t know the resilience and the pedigree that Mr. Mysterion brings to the squad.

Tegridy Farms was shocked to see Jon’s first pick. Jon selected Minister of Montreal. This came completely off the board and was an eye opener for the rest of the draft. We knew what we were dealing with. Tegridy Farms chooses Token Black as their Captain and their starting Centre in the second round. We feel that Token’s unique ability to handle adversity and silence the critics is a huge asset. All he needed is some support.

Tegridy Farms select Kanye West Fish Sticks as their RW to offer some support to Token with a huge chip on his shoulder. A polarizing character, Kanye West Fish Sticks brings unique talent and sensibilities to the team as the only gay fish in the lineup. I got my wish – a mothaf*ckin’ gay fish.

With players like Reality and Phillip (of Terrence and Phillip) off the board, The Farms knew to make a big splash and get some protection for Randy Marsh as Lorde. With PC Principal still on the board, it was a no brainer. PC will be the RD to shut down the fire power offense of Kaveh’s team with Terrence, Phillip and Saddam Hussein. He will surely need a tough D to compliment him. 4th round pick was a bit of a sleeper but necessary. LD Thomas Turner has principles and will never let anyone penetrate the Net and get even close to Randy March as Lorde. Teams will second guess their decision to try to split Alternate Captains PC Principal and Thomas Turner.

Last Pick for Tegridy was a morale type. This player had a rough go, getting fired from PF Chang’s and substance abuse. It’s been a long road, but Towelie has earned his shot in the pros. Tegridy is very confident that at LW, he will be the best compliment to Kanye West Fish Sticks and Token Black.

Although undrafted, Timmy Burch has been called up as an alternate for Tegridy Farms. Timmy is a locker room kind of guy. Quiet but feisty and always willing to battle for the boys.

PICK 3 – TEAM JON
LW – Eric Cartman
C – Minister of Montreal
RW – Hankey
LD – Chef
RD – Jasper the Mutant 6th Grader
G – Sir Ike Moesha Broflovski

I have to admit I’m not the biggest South Park fan but I’ve seen enough to figure this one out. With my first pick I veered away from the main characters and went more obscure with Minister of Montreal. I feel like it doesn’t need much explaining and with a name like that I feel safe in assuming he is probably the best skater of all the characters and he should have some dangles. I decided to pair him up with Hankey on his Right Wing because the winning formula to every perfect line is a piece of s**t winger.

This next pick is where my lack of knowledge really shined through. I went with Jasper the Mutant 6th Grader, who I found out is not actually in the show but is a part of the video game. I didn’t even know there was a video game, however! I have a hormone fuelled mutant patrolling the back end of my team to provide some grit and protection. However as you would probably imagine he’s probably an idiot or at the very least a single tracked mind so I needed to pair him up with some veteran presence. Who better than Chef to flank Jasper on his left side to provide an equal amount of size but also an element of wisdom and sophistication.

I decided to go LW with my 5th picks because Cartman was still on the board and if nothing else he hates to lose. He goes to extremely excessive lengths to win any and all meaningless bets and he does not give up until he wins. The Minister will need to offset a bit of the lack of speed but I want that winning attitude on my team. With my last pick I went with Sir Ike Boesha Broflovski, secretly Canadian he is a fearless adventurer. That should translate into a fearlessness of the puck and not to mention he is the younger brother in the family so he was for sure always in nets for street hockey.

PICK 4 – TEAM KAVEH
LW – Phillip
C – Saddam Hussein
RW – Terrence
LD – Herbert Garrison
RD – Reality
G – Trent Boyett

I went with Reality as my first pick, the chirper of all chirpers, he’ll get into all my opponent’s head and destroy any hope of them winning. He’s my captain, my leader… my Reality. I picked Philip as my second pick, hoping when the draft came back around to me Terrence would still be there. My plan actually came to fruition, I got the two hot shot superstars from Canada as my left and right wingers… what an unstoppable duo.

After going with Reality to set my identity, I went with some more “evil” characters. No one’s more evil than Saddam Hussein, especially if anyone has Satan on their team *cough Spence cough*. The goal is the make Satan “pizza” when he should’ve “french fry’d”, ‘cause if you pizza when you should’ve french fried, you’re gonna have a bad toyme. This little bugger will pester everyone around him with ease, and give the refs an earful as one of my assistant captains.

Terrence and Philip will have to go with the flow with Saddam as their centre. I definitely see some conflict there, but teammates don’t have to be best buddays. And hey guy, Saddam’s not so bad. He can change, he can chaaaange 🎶.

I stuck with my evil theme and went with Trent Boyett as my goalie, none of the boys will even set foot near my crease with that beast in nets. Intimidation from the net out baby. Spence’s team ain’t gonna stand a chance, hehe. Last but not least, the man with the evil selfish plan, Mr. Herbert Garrison. Always up to no good and will never stop fighting for whatever he believes in (even if it sucks for everyone else and he changes his mind half way through). That’s the kinda a**hole deserving of an “A” on his jersey.

Before you go off and create your own South Park starting line up, here’s a look at the updated standings of the Hot Sauce Bet!

You can find our Line Ups here

Be sure to let us know who’s team you think is the best, as well as what South Park characters you would use to create your ultimate NHL starting line up! Leave your line up in the comments for your chance to join us for an upcoming draft to test your wit, knowledge and patience.

As always don’t forget to check out the rest of the Hot Sauce Family and check out our Youtube channel for all our podcasts and videos! On this week’s episode of Not Sauce For Work the guys talk NBA Finals, Rachel Nichols, Matiss Kivlenieks and they sit down with Carlan Gay from NBA Canada.

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