The coaching carousel has all but unwound and the Cleveland Browns have yet to replace Freddie Kitchens. The team who’s color is firmly representative of how much actual feces they’ve forced us to occasionally watch on NFL Red Zone (occasional because you score less than Tim Tebow at a brothel). The Browns have been the NFL’s comedic relief for years. They finally seemed to get things sorted out and chose to hire a coach so ill-prepared for the job he caused us all to wince on a weekly basis and fired him after a single season.
So who would want this job? Who are some of the top candidates? Here is my super serious analysis of Cleveland’s leading suitors:
5. Robert Saleh
Most recently, Saleh has been seen on the sideline for the San Francisco 49ers in his capacity of defensive coordinator. We’ve seen it because NFL camera crews can’t get enough of this guy. I don’t blame them. Saleh is dreamy! This potential ethnically diverse hire will help us forget for a moment that the NFL’s Rooney rule isn’t broken and then we’ll pretend to understand why Saleh will be able to instantly transform the Brown’s defense.
4. Greg Roman
His name sounds like a James Bond villain but perhaps what is coolest about Roman is that he was able to get the most out of Colin Kaepernick, Tyrod Taylor and, most recently, Lamar Jackson. Roman has never been a head coach before so let’s take this moment to assume that all skills are transferable to different jobs.
3. Josh McDaniels
There may be some skepticism here. Last time McDaniels stood on an alter in Indianapolis he got cold feet and tucked his wedding dress between his legs and scampered back to Bellechick’s loving embrace. Can he be trusted to do the job? Can he be trusted to take the job for more than a couple of hours? Will he always answer Bellechick’s “you up?” text at 2:30 in the morning? None of these questions can be answered without knowledge of things to come. One thing is for certain, you can’t go wrong by hiring a guy who learned under Bill. See: Romeo Crenel, Charlie Weiss, Josh McDaniel, etc. Wait a second….
2. Eric Bienemy
Many would not know this but I had a player card of Eric Beinemy when I was a child. Many of you wouldn’t know this because you weren’t in my childhood bedroom. Its ok, you weren’t missing much. Years later I would learn that the same furniture was used in an adult film available on a pre-streaming platform known as LimeWire (you learn something new every day kids). Once that discovery was made, new furniture was purchased and life went on. Yet I could not get the image of Eric Bienemy’s visor out of my head. There has never been a player who looked more fire with a visor than Eric Bienemy (don’t @ me). This alone (and not his work with the Kansas City Chiefs) has him near the top of my list of candidates.
1. Urban Meyer
There are parts of Urban Meyer’s story you may not remember. For example, not long before he Meyer took a break from Football to pretend to spend time with his family he showed a tremendous level of self-preservation by helping an assistant coach cover up domestic abuse. Years before that when questions surrounded the Florida football program that had all levels of impropriety including an actual murderer in the huddle (Aaron Hernandez), Urban Meyer took time off to pretend to deal with a fake health condition. Even prior to all this, Urban Meyer was the head coach at Bowling Green. Bowling Green is a school located in Ohio and is known for being one of the few cities in the state that are worse than Cleveland. If you can work in one shitty part of the country why not a second one? It’s a slam dunk for both parties!
1A: Dom Toretto: That’s right, I didn’t even go with Vin Diesel. I went with a fictional character from the greatest movie series in cinematic history because Cleveland’s chances of winning a super bowl is equally fictional. The best thing about Cleveland is that Lebron grew up kinda close so he decided to come around and bring them some hardware. The best things about do m Toretto on the other hand are as follows:
- Understands the importance of family
- Knows how to skydive with cars
- Crashed his car into a guardrail and simultaneously jumped from the vehicle to catch Letty and save her from falling between two elevated highways.
- 1968 Dodge Challenger
Face it, no other candidate comes close!