Now that Andrew Luck has retired, staff writer and Andrew Luck enthusiast Peeze Della Reeze gives us his takes on potential replacements for the starting Colts QB job.
Since the untimely retirement of Andrew Luck, many have stipulated about which experienced passer we can expect the Colts to sign or trade for. In case it has not been entirely apparent, we here at Hot Sauce sports are one with Andrew Luck. The fans who booed the man who once played with a lacerated liver and called him a quitter. You deserve far less than any of the names on this list.
Trade for Eli Manning. This is something that will be somewhat beneficial for all parties involved. If the preseason is any indicator (it usually isn’t) we may all have been wrong about Daniel Jones. This means that Giants fans will get to see their newest first round pick in regular season action. David Gettleman will have his opportunity at vindication and allow for the team to move on From Eli Manning and keep his dignity. For Eli Manning, he’ll get to play in the same uniform that his older brother wore and keep the family lineage intact. Finally, the Colts will still suck enough to draft Andrew Luck’s replacement and as is often the case in life: the shittiest people get the best things.
Trade for Blake Bortles: For the intellectually impaired who still believe team winning percentage is a factor of individual success, Blake Bortles must break your brain. No one doubts the 6’5” UCF graduate’s athleticism or work ethic. However, the issue with Bortle Kombat has always been his inability as a natural thrower of the football. If you’ve ever seen a baby throw a rattle across the living room and remark “wow that kid’s got something special”, know that that’s never happened with Blake Bortles. However, the Rams can trade him for a draft pick or two and the Colts will get a “winner” which literally means less than the ink I haven’t used to write this article.
Sign Tony Romo: Seeing Tony Romo predict future plays makes me feel like he may be better off as a defensive coordinator than a quarterback. However, now that Romo has spent some time getting paid while being charming and wearing a suit rather than getting crushed under the weight of linemen, I don’t think he’d have any interest in returning. Moreover, he’s officially been away from the game long enough that the rust may be too much to overcome in a single season.
Sign Brock Osweiler: So I may have sent out rage fueled tweets while Brock Osweiler was starting in place of an injured Ryan Tanehill in Miami. Osweiller actually didn’t play terribly in his time with the Dolphins. He completed nearly 64% of his passes and went 2-3 as the team’s starter. Ok fine, the results weren’t great but he is tall and has already earned a ton of money. Why not pad his wallet a little more.
Trade for a Tennessee Loser: The Titans are in an interesting position. They have two quarterbacks who’s name value is worth more to a team than their value on the field. I don’t personally think that Marcus Mariota is any better than newly acquired Ryan Tanehill. Both players have shown promise, neither has truly lived up to their potential and both have largely bene given a pass due to injury concerns. Whoever loses that job in the next 4 weeks should be enough to net Tennessee a pair of mid-round picks. If Mike Vrabel learned anything from Bill Belichick, it should have been the value of assembling assets. Also, using those assets to draft the greatest qb of all time would help. So if Vrabel wants to maximize his odds, he’ll want a couple of extra spins at the wheel.
Sign Colin Kaepernick: I’m only writing this partially to annoy my cohost on the Hot Sauce Sports podcast (Terry Tam). Honestly, at this point I’m not certain if Colin Kaepernick can still play. He last touched a field in 2016 and while the 49ers who were completely devoid of talent at the time went 1-10 in game she started he posted an 18-4 touchdown to interception ration and proved that he is at the very least a quality backup quarterback in the NFL. Anyone who says otherwise either doesn’t understand the game, how hard it is to find quality, doesn’t understand just how legendarily bad Nathan Peterman is or simply has another agenda. The collusion case with the NFL has been settled. Kenny Stills and Eric Reid are still kneeling before games and at worst the blow back would be a likely poorly constructed angry tweet from POTUS. What I’ve never understood about NFL owners is, what’s the point of having “Fuck You” money if you aren’t going to drop it on the table when given the opportunity? In the long run, it’s a PR move that would have more positive return than the potential for short term losses. Come on Colts…give us content!
Wait for Nathan Peterman to be cut and then sign him: HahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahah
Trade for Tyrod Taylor: So I must admit, most of this list has been tongue-in-cheek. Mostly because the Colts deserve nothing, Colts fans deserve less and I love making fun of terribly run organizations. Let’s not forget that one of the “Linemen” they brought onto the team was an undrafted NCAA basketball player they signed to play Tight End). Tyrod Taylor is a trade that would make sense. Philip Rivers has largely been healthy his entire career and likely won’t need a back-up. Tyrod Taylor is actually a very accurate deep passer (in 2015 he was ranked fifth in yards gained on passes that travelled more than 20 yards in the air). Given TY Hilton’s ability to strike downfield and that he’d be replacing a very aggressive passer, Tyrod would be a very interesting option for the Colts.
Start Jacoby Brissett: In all honesty, this entire article was a rouse. Their best bet is to start Brissett. There is literally nothing to lose except games. If Brissett is productive, perhaps this was the break he was looking for. If it doesn’t pan out Jim D-Bag Irsay will luck into Tua, Jake Fromm or Justin Herbert. There’s even a chance that two or three other prospects work their way up the draft boards once the NCAA season concludes. Either way, Andrew Luck leaving when he did may have created the circumstance by which the Colts will once again have the opportunity to ruin the career of a potentially great NFL quarterback.