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Star Wars: Rise of the Complainers

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! The Star Wars IX trailer is HERE!

Star Wars fans are the worst.  I’ve loved Star Wars since I was a child.  I’ve told people that I consider it to be a documentary (it happened a long time ago in a galaxy far far away….)  For the most part, whenever a new Star Wars Movie comes out all the hardcore fans do is scoff, smirk and make lame comments about how the series is being “ruined”.  All of this before they’ve seen a single trailer.  Then, once the trailer drops, the keyboard warriors are quick to mount an offensive against a franchise that has done nothing but inspire and entertain for forty-two years.

The first thing hardcore Star Wars Fans (read old men) complain about are the prequels.  Fine, I agree that Attack of the Clones was about nothing.  Furthermore, Revenge of the Sith had some awful acting chops and Hayden Christiansen made a bizarre decision to make Annakin Skywalker appear more the type of guy who was raised near the strip-malls of New Jersey than the sand dunes of Tatooine.  I’ll give them that. That said, Phantom Menace was a fine movie, Darth Maul was a boss and the pod races still live vividly in my mind.

The newer movies have been utterly enjoyable.  The people complaining about them are the same ones who were insanely angry that Disney bought the rights to the franchise in the first place.  For the record, these are people who can’t think beyond the idea that the company is more than a giant mouse and some tiny woman trapped in what appears to be a twinkle (?).  Meanwhile, all Disney has done has promised a streaming platform that looks like it’s going to be a monster, (it even appears to have affected Netflix in the short-term), revive what was a dying franchise, and promise the series that will be based on the Mandalorians and the Old-Republic that we’ve been clamoring for for years!

As for the trailer for Star Wars IX: The Rise of Skywalker, it looks like it’s going to be a fun and compelling movie. It starts with Rey gazing out into the desert and “force flipping” over while potentially slicing up a tie fighter.  Go ahead, I dare you to complain about that.  The teaser then goes on to show us an action of Kylo Ren slicing up dudes with the efficacy of a slap chop surrounded by storm troopers who may still have not actually shot a single person in the history of the franchise (don’t come at me with facts, I don’t care).  Then we get nothing but facial reactions by new beloved characters.  HOW COULD THIS NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY?     

How many times have you watched the trailer? 200 times? .. M O R E.

Now, because Disney knew that OG Star Wars fans are a blight on the human existence Disney threw them a bone.  Throughout the trailer there is a voice over by Mark Hamill (likely “appearing” as the voice of Luke Skywalker).  Not only is Mark Hamill a legit voice acting legend, it ends on what appears to be his laughing.  It’s the return of the Joker! For the uninitiated, Mark Hamill is one of the longest running voice actors to have ever played the Joker in the Batman animated universe.  All that did was make me grin from ear to ear.  See what I did there?

If I had one criticism of the Trailer for Star Wars IX: The Rise of Skywalker is that the franchise is still too beholden to the past.  It seems content on trying to appease these narrow minded aging losers who would rather watch the original decrepit fight scene between Obi-Wan and Darth Vader.  It’s awful, it looks like me trying to flex-on others with my terrible dancing in the club after my twenty-seventh beer. Disney, leave them behind; you don’t need them.  It’s a big goddamned universe (more so now that we finally saw a black hole!)  Move beyond the 8 or so characters and leave them to rest.  Give us stories from this Galaxy Far Far Away.  As for the hardcore chronic complainers: Throw yourself in the trash, you live there now.      

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