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Weekend Ramblings Volume I

Fuck Robots ~ by Duke

Rarely will I say this, but I think I’m going crazy. I can’t stop fucking thinking about robots. Not sure where to begin with this one… but I started watching Love, Death + Robots recently, it’s animated and full of blood so I’m hooked. The Surge is free on PS+ and I’ve already annihilated hundreds of angry machines … and to add a cherry on top; I recently found a book about artificial intelligence stashed in my basement. Seeing as how I already get nightmares on the reg, these three events have collided to make one paranoid dude. I know Skynet isn’t real, I’m not stupid.. but I’ve been wrong before, about pretty much everything. So what if I’m wrong?

When robots destroy humanity, it will be a cold merciless death.

Almost every experience and interaction we have in 2019 is in someway altered and/or facilitated by technology. Don’t get me wrong, I love technology. I really don’t know what else I would do without computers. I’m useless with tools and don’t know my way around a compass. That being said, technology has an eternal hold on my soul. Have you ever forgotten your phone at home for a whole day? The sudden fear of enduring your annoying coworkers without distraction is a really terrifying proposition. One of my greatest fears is shitting at the gym without earphones. How else can I drown out the grunts and splashes of a 300 pound muscle head squirting out steroid juice. Here’s the playlist from Love, Death + Robots if you’re ever caught in a pinch.

Love, Death + Robots
Amazon about to fire every motherfucker in sight!

So why am I writing about robots? Let’s be honest, I have no earthly idea. I had a dream last night that I was slowly dissolving into liquid and the Chuck E. Cheese across the street was locked with a keypad. This presented a particular challenge because my liquid form wouldn’t allow me to enter the passcode (Did I even have a fucking code? Or fingers for that matter? ) . I had essentially become a backwards version of T-1000 from T2. Fantastic, liquid robot nightmares… as if I needed more reasons to sleep less. I eventually did some early morning research and as it turns out, I am an emotional and physical mess.

Locked out: To dream of being locked out represents your inability to do what you want or to feel what you want. You may feel cut off or kept away from something. You may also feel unable to see something. An obstacle, boundary, or impossible requirement. A lock could also reflect someone else’s sense of ownership. Alternatively, you may feel that you’re unable to see someone else’s hidden motives.


Liquid Form: To dream of liquid represents some area of your life never having to stay the same, easy adaptability to change, or the “fluid nature” or a situation. Liquid could also reflect sociability or the “fluid” nature of social interaction. 

http://www.dreambible.com

Basically I’m locked away from opportunities and living an unstable lifestyle. Sounds like a load of horse shit. I think becoming liquid was just foreshadowing the inevitable: We’re all doomed and the only cure is to visit American’s #1 family entertainment & dining centre. Anyways, reading dream meanings on the web is like self diagnosing a pimple on Webmd. You’re probably okay, it might be cancer but please don’t trust the internet. On a serious note, T-1000’s ability to reanimate from blown off limbs was the scariest thing I ever witnessed as a child. T-1000 was completely impervious to physical damage. The prospect of a mechanical apocalypse frightened me more than any zombie invasion ever could. Maybe Terminator 2 is the reason I’m writing this article… I guess we’ll never know.

Chuck E. Cheese did me dirty. Let me speak to your manager!

Getting back to the point, robots are taking over and we all better be ready. Factories are becoming more and more reliant on robotic production. Robots in the workplace have become so prevalent that we must now consider giving them rights! Look I get it, robots exist to facilitate our lives and provide for our never ending need to consume… but… Just look at this video of a self driving dominoes delivery car and ask yourself: why?

THE OF THE WORLD IS NEAR I TELL YOU!

Was this really necessary? Do we really need to replace pizza delivery drivers? Those poor bastards can barely afford gas and they’re constantly dealing with greasy fingered teenagers binging on Fortnite. I’m not naive, I realize this is just a viral marketing ploy and I highly doubt my local Dominos has that kinda quiche. I still don’t like it and seriously Dominos, fuck that stupid honk at the end. Don’t ever honk at me, condescending ass robot car from hell.

What really grills my grits, however, are self check out lines. I’m not joking. This may seem like an incredible convenience to some, but the truth is there is nothing convenient about it. I once found myself fumbling around with a watermelon trying to find the scan code. An absolute fuckin’ nightmare. The overall concept seems noble, you just want to buy a pack of gum and screw off? Sure. Don’t want to wait behind that penny pincher with a cart full of cranberries, kidney beans and waffer cookies? No problem sir, head right to the self check out .. Nah, miss me with that bullshit. Let’s not forget what this is all about. Machines work harder than humans and cost less to operate. Plus you don’t need to pay for Janice’s 25th smoke break and Annie’s shitty attitude. Machines are perfect replacements for humans. They never complain, they do as their master bids and when they kill, they do so mercilessly. I miss Janice, her smoky breath and crooked eye were all I needed on a Friday afternoon after a long week. Her presence reminds me of simple pleasures and better life decisions… Self Checkout Machines? That shit makes me feel like I work for the establishment, and I certainly do-fucking-not. So please, bury these machines and hire more humans.

Self checkout machines are a plague on our existence.

I hate to be negative. I promise, I’m not the old man on the porch with a shotgun. I love technology and the advancements that come with it. I just despise the divide that technology creates. It feels like the more comfortable we are with technology the easier it is to ignore each other. For example, Laguardia Airport runs on tablets, every purchase you make at a bar or restaurant goes through a tablet. Want a waitress? Fuck off. Have a question about the menu? Fuck off. Want extra pickles on your burger? Fuck the fuck off. Human connections are important. I’m not saying I prefer directions from gas station cashiers, but god damn give me a fucking waitress. A human I can actually communicate with. Maybe this is what I’ve been dreaming about, becoming a fluid person in an environment that forces you to enter a predetermined code. Fuck that’s deep. I’m not sure if any of this makes sense, but damn that’s deep.

Laguardia Airport the land of IPads and social disconnection.

So how do we kill them? That’s the question. Splash some water on them and hope they blows up? Keep dreaming. Generally speaking, machines have strong armour so brute strength is not gonna work. They seem to lack mobility but are great on the counter attack so killing them will take creativity. Here are some glorious examples robot deaths in movies. Make sure to add your favourite robot deaths in the comments, I will add them in !

TOP ROBOT DEATHS:

T-800, Terminator 2
Cause of death: Smelting / Thumbs Up

HAL 9000, 2001: A Space Odyssey
Cause of death: Manual shut down (took fuckin ages)

Gina Inviere, Battlestar Galactica
Cause of death: Nuclear warhead (Took one for the team)

Roy Batty, Blade Runner
Cause of death: Dies in the rain + Battery expires

Ava Ex Machina
Cause of death: Alive and living

Andrew Martin Bicentennial Man
Cause of death: Hubris / Self sacrifice

Buffybot Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Cause of death: Demonic Bikers

David, A.I. Artificial Intelligence
Cause of death: Power Outage (You’ll fall asleep before it ends)

Notable mention: Will Smith takes on a fucking army (iRobot)

So there it is, my first weekend ramblings. I hope I didn’t scare you off. I must say, this feels therapeutic. Talking crazy on a blog hoping to make sense of my inner thoughts. It feels like I’m splitting a ball of wires. As the weekends come, the further down the rabbit hole we’ll go. Today it’s robots, tomorrow it might be aliens. Who the fuck knows. I didn’t mean to make you feel paranoid, but you should be. Robots are coming, so be prepared. Stay woke.

Duke.

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